Posts Tagged ‘press releases’

I realize we’re only a fledgling blog, but we get all the exclusives from the McCain camp. In fact, one landed on my desk this morning. Imagine that.

Has anyone been following the technology question? Well, long story short, McCain’s come under fire from the left for being completely useless with technology, but that hasn’t stopped the GOP spin machine from filling their retorts full of nationalistic jingo and heartstring-tugging imagery. Simply put: McCain is terrible with a computer because of Vietnam.

Well, it turns out he’s taken the bold gambit of speaking out against these accusations, and we here at BP received the first missive in what promises to be a fun little scuffle.
Read along!

For Immediate Release
September 18, 2008

Contact: Press Office 703-650-5550

John McCain issues statement on technology question; quotes bloggers and reporters as “grossly miscalculated” and sets record straight

ARLINGTON, VA — The liberal media focus in recent times has been unfairly placed upon my record with technology. Citing several mainstream media reports, it appears that my internet habits and general technology use has come in to question.

As has been stated by various campaign sources, the reasons behind my distrust and low use of computers, cellular telephones, blackberry devices and e-mailed messages stem back to my experiences in Vietnam. For anyone unaware, I was subjected to unspeakable horror and torture in my time as a Prisoner of War, resulting in scarring and damage to my body from which I have never fully recovered.

I did what I did to defend this wonderful country and to fight for the democratic rights afforded to me by this nation, and such participation in the wartime efforts enabled us all to enjoy the very freedom needed to invent and produce microchips, computers, portable telephones and facebooks. Even democrat Al Gore benefited directly from my experiences in Vietnam, for he was instrumental in the development and proliferation of the internets, a wide world of webbing that enriches all of us in our daily lives.

As correctly asserted by the straight-talking Jonah Goldberg of the National Review, my debilitating injuries prevent me from sitting and using a keyboard for long periods of time, and as such, my time spent on email is minimal compared to the average American. These ailments have not stopped me from serving this nation in public office for 25 years as a maverick, and they will not stop me from uniting Americans in my Presidential administration. It has slowed my MySpace page, but remember: I sacrificed my MySpace for freedom.

Given the callous left-wing attacks on this record, I’d also like to address several other criticisms in my character that are due to events in my history and in world history, so as to cut off this negative liberal campaign at the knees before it can truly begin. I. Will. Always. Give. You. The. Truth.

1. I am not particularly good at remaining still, especially when being talked to in a debate setting and/or a town hall environment.

This is not because I am nervous or have something to hide; moreso, it’s a symptom of my deep angst of being locked in a tiny box at the Hanoi Hilton. You’ve heard the stories, but I can always tell them again; they locked me in a tiny box and forced me to remain still for days at a time even with dislocated joints. As such, when I am being talked to by a democrat, I cannot remain still. I must move and shift around in my place to alleviate the intense pressure on my joints, sustained in Vietnam when imprisoned against my will as a Prisoner of War at the Hanoi Hilton. It also alleviates the intense pressure of my utterly indefensible positions on a number of hot button issues.

2. I am not particularly good at giving speeches.

This is not because I’m inauthentic, or suffer from having little-to-no original thoughts, as my detractors might claim. It is also not because I am spoon-fed words and catchphrases to repeat in a monotone. It is due to the trauma of Abraham Lincoln being assassinated in a theater, and my nerves are so unsettled at being stood so alone in front of a large crowd. My psyche is deeply bruised by what happened to that brave patriot, a man who stood up for what he believed in much like I did in Vietnam when imprisoned against my will as a Prisoner of War at the Hanoi Hilton.

3. I am unbelievably soft on the economy.

This is not due to my inability to break rank from the GOP despite my maverick status, nor it is attributed directly to my stubbornness to admit there is a problem with the state of our risk-happy spending culture. It is simply tied to not being hugged enough as a child due to my parents spending money needlessly on distractions for themselves.

You see, my parents were not particularly loving; it was not their flaw, it was the state of our nation at the time, with mothers and fathers dispensing little affection so as to breed strong, upstanding citizens, many of whom fought with me and were injured much like I was in Vietnam when imprisoned against my will as a Prisoner of War at the Hanoi Hilton.

Their lack of physical love and obsession with reckless spending on sex swings, supplies of snacks and drinks for their key parties and their pomade led me to be very distrusting of our family’s finances, and as such, I developed a blissful ignorance about the state of our monetary security.

Don’t worry; I will surround myself with intelligent people from the newly-absorbed financial institutions, because they clearly have a good idea of what’s going on.

4. I have no idea what I was doing in picking Sarah Palin.

You see, the first girl I was in love with was named Suzy. She was really sweet, and I thought she liked me. When it turned out she was going steady with my best friend, I enlisted in the war effort and directed all of my love and emotion into fighting for the ideals and values that this country holds dear. Those values were challenged when I was in Vietnam when imprisoned against my will as a Prisoner of War at the Hanoi Hilton, trapped in a tiny cube with no room to move.

As such, I needed some nursing and support to stem the lasting effects of those awful injuries, much like I did in Vietnam when imprisoned against my will as a Prisoner of War at the Hanoi Hilton, and Sarah Palin reminds me of the kind-hearted, small-town civil servant who helped bring me back to full strength while recuperating in that military hospital. She is the right attractive nurse-like strong woman to help revive this country’s ills, much like I was revived after Vietnam where I was imprisoned against my will as a Prisoner of War at the Hanoi Hilton.

Sarah also reminds me of Suzy. Even though that relationship in my youth didn’t turn out so well, there’s no reason why this doomed partnership should fail. As they said in my platoon, second time’s a charm.

There are many other inconsistencies in my personal value system and my political platform, but what’s important is this: I will. not. lie. to. you. I am a man of principles and beliefs that you all like, because we’re all Americans. I fought for this country, and I fight with my body’s limitations every time I pick up a telephone, a blackberry, or a computer that you put on your lap. Those limitations were handed to me by the Vietnamese army, much like those physical limitations I was handed in Vietnam when imprisoned against my will as a Prisoner of War at the Hanoi Hilton, but they have not limited my mind.

I will be a good president. Just don’t ask me to sit still, talk with confidence, devise a coherent economic plan or explore any vice president option other than the superficial, patently unfit candidate I actually selected.

Live well my friends, and God Bless America.

John McCain


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